20241202 - What I mean...

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Recently, I wrote about my feeling that my condition had started on a declining slope. (https://mindofmystrokedbrain.blogspot.com/2024/12/20241201-two-lines-curves-and-their.html)

I got many kind folks telling me afterwards that it was going to be temporary, not lose hope, it'll certainly get better, etc.

I think we, human beings - are inherently compassionate/ good. At least 99+% of us. I think so.

As an untrained person, If I meet a stage 4 aggressive illness person, who has absolutely no chance and is in a palliative care facility, my first impulse is to offer kind words of "it'll be ok" etc. The feeling is real. very real. but devoid from reality completely.

Same with me. I completely and 100% appreciate & understand the sentiment of caring by folks offering it. But as I said, it is completely devoid of practical reality. Even my therapists who work with me everyday don't know what is happening with me everyday. Due to their professional experience and proximity working with me, they have a vague/ approximate idea. but even they have no clue what is fully happening inside.

Don't get me wrong. I have not resigned from life yet. Yes, there was a phase when I was in that frame of mind initially. but I think I am sufficiently entangled back into "Samsara" to want to check-out now. I think I have successfully injected back the "fear" of checking-out now with everything over the last 2 years or so.

And I know reasonably well (I think) what I mean to everyone around me. to be around and not check-out. My close family, my close friends, many well wishers, etc.
And I think I have a reasonable idea of what each of them mean to me as well. Not many doubts there...

However, it is always what I mean to somebody or what somebody means to me.

I have not been able to find an answer to "what do I mean to me"?

"Why am I alive". Actually, in my case "why am i still alive"?

I was on the platform 6 years ago, presumably with a ticket, but I (whoever it is), chose to not board the train and return.
I know we are paying a very big price to keep me alive everyday (not just financially, but every other aspect).

And I am certainly not looking for some big reason or "purpose". Very Simply "Why am I still here"?

Think about it, remove what you mean to others and what they mean to you. We are all father/ mother/ husband/ wife/ brother/ sister/ son/ daughter/ friend/ colleague/ acquaintance all the time. Remove all those equations.

Can you answer to yourself "What do I mean to yourself..."?



Comments

  1. KD3/12/24 19:19

    I don't have answers, just disconnected responses to your many points.

    1. The Japanese have the concept of 3 faces everyone has: one to show the world/society, one for family/those closer, and one for yourself. This last has your unspoken hopes and worries, and you don't sometimes acknowledge it even to yourself. Maybe that's one answer to your last question. Just watch what your third face is like.
    2. Gruhastaashrama is absolutely a participant sport, no spectators. Good that you're still part of this game, whatever it is.
    3. Zoom out and we all are ants following the scent of other ants, and every once in a while a cosmic hand comes and rubs the scent out, and we're lost for a while, and we pick up the scent again and follow it. Could be the old scent, could be another one, we don't know sometimes. But we're glad we're following a scent. Or so we think.
    4. Recently there was a power outage for 4 days where I live, and one of the days I woke up thinking: what am I going to do today with no Internet? There's nothing to browse, nothing to react to, nothing at all. And then I realized that this is every day for my dogs. And they seem chill for the the most part. Sometimes they get up, stretch their limbs and curl back down like they didn't really mean to do anything at all. And when I play with them they're happy (I think). Do dogs worry about themselves? Should we?
    5. My mom who went through cancer twice had similar questions: first it was "why me?", then "why am I still alive?", but throughout she kept renewing and sustaining connections with people in the family far and wide, who now keep connected with us. She did it so she feels connected selfishly, but we all, the survivors, feel more connected as a result. So maybe just do what feels right, even selfishly, every day and things will just sort themselves out somehow?

    I'm not speaking from a position of wisdom or hubris, btw, just thoughts as another person with a lot of self doubt. These are just musings, and in a way just me "following your scent".Take care sreekanth!

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