Mind of my Stroked Brain

When I was younger, maybe till about late 30s till early 40s, I was not very sure about my purpose in life and was kinda hunting for it . Not overtly I guess, but there was an undercurrent of finding that purpose of what I was doing. Whether in what I read, what I did, what I chose to spend time to think about, etc.  It was a bit frustrating I think. I didn't realise or feel or understand the frustration, but it was there. I guess it was building up for a potent eruption later which is usually referred to as " mid life crisis ". Luckily or unluckily, the stroke got to me sooner. I had a even larger crisis presenting itself, dwarfing all other potential eruptions  Even after the stroke, many have told me there should be some purpose otherwise I wouldn't have been kept alive. I just have to find it. Even if I don't think about it very much, this thought seeded into my mind has played with the mind many many times.  I won't call this final, everything changes al

I come across many quotes , memes, messages, forward, etc, everyday. I am guessing most of us have the same experience and have kinda become numb to all of it. However, there are 3 things I have liked very much and think about everyday sometime. It helps me avoid wasting time now/ procrastinating things for later...  None of these are my own thoughts and I have no memory of where I read these. The exact words might have been different but this is the essence I guess.  However, I feel it will help if we think about these 3 things everyday or as often as we can. 1. Death is inevitable for me (& everyone else). I am ok with death. 2. What I need to do tomorrow/ future if I can do today - do it. What I need to do later if I can do it now - do it . 3. Today is the youngest I will ever be in my life again. Ever!

  ​ Warning : reading this may affect your belief and affect you adversely. Read ahead at your own risk. ____________________ Couple of days back, I had my bout of hiccups. I have written earlier about my hiccups after the stroke. It is quite bad. This time it lasted about 2½ days. Earlier it used to last longer and more continuous and more intense as well. It has gotten slightly better over the 4½ years. When I am in the "hiccups zone" now, it typically starts soon after I am fed, lasts for about 1½ hrs and stops . Soon it will be next feed time and the cycle starts again. Usually the nurses quickly become immune to it and they get the pattern. However, both my current nurses are new and I had not been in a "hiccups zone" after they had started. They both got replaced at around the same time and did not have the benefit of knowledge from the other person. Naturally, they assumed it would go away as per normal. When they saw it not going away quickly and it was comi

I watched on TV today a dignitary of one country visiting another country - friendly countries. They gave a grand reception. It was a " Red Carpet " reception. Needless to say - everything was Red. The carpet, some clothing draped here and there etc . I was thinking about this. Why is it " Red " Carpet? Everything we do and associate with "Red" isn't really friendly. Red lights means stop. Red flag means war, red flags mean alerts/ alarms. Red status means things are not going well all the way to an uncomfortable to speak profession being carried out in a Red light area. So why do we use Red? I tried to look into it online. Surely, there must be some concrete rational that I don't know. Actually, there isn't. A common and general explanation I found is Red is majestic and grand and hence is used. "In which age" I ask? Maybe couple of centuries ago, when tyranny was respected, wars and agression was prevalent etc. Right now we are loo

 I was recently chatting with someone who said "have faith in God he will make things ok definitely".  In that context they were referring to life in general, but I am very intimately familiar with this advice, especially after my stroke - referring to both general and particular things. "Have faith in God, he will make things alright", "have faith in a particular God and  ​you  will become alright", "trust in God and you will speak again", etc, etc. Everyone - family, friends, well-wishers, nurses, even my doctors have said it at many stages. Curious though - approximately > 90% of them have referred to God as a "He". I don't know why and what drives the certainty about the "he"...  Usually, if they are from a generation older, the advice is not unconditional. It will be followed by "say some chant X times everyday" , "say some prayer everyday", " do something everyday", etc . One thing is

Disclaimer :- these are my thoughts based on my observations. They are not backed by research or medical proof. Take it with a pinch of salt... _____________________________ This is not a recent observation but observed over the past 4+ years. I have not been able to make sense of it for a very long time and after I processed it in my head, I didn't know how to express it and write about it... Giving it a shot now... ________________ When I drove the car/ rode  the bike, I have always been very bad with directions and orientation. And I am a "man" - so I wouldn't stop to ask for directions either. And I was not slow either... Net result was, i usually over shot an exit, hit a dead end, etc and invariably I would have to take a U turn and go back to get further. When in Australia, my wife would be struggling to let me know the directions with a big and bulky map book only to witness the U turns anyway (these were the days when Google maps were not yet in).  After I had

I was seeing my LIC policy yesterday for something. It is a paltry sum policy which might help 2 months expenses at the most today. I had got it done in 2000 only for the purposes of tax saving (india tax provides for it). This was as advised by some accountant as we got into the taxable bracket then. I was thinking would it make sense to take another one. Then I realised my age and no income and most important thing - my condition. No insurance company in their senses will touch my case/ application with a barge pole... Their actuaries will have a risk weighted framework will never allow it to pass through. Come to think of it, everyone probably has an exact same chance to kick the bucket tomorrow. However they have a sophisticated framework to evaluate everyone's life, identify risk elements, assign a probability for each of them and vomit out a score based on which they can charge a premium for the policy. So I got thinking further on this and my general risk elements and it'