Mind of my Stroked Brain

We all tend to follow many customs, rituals, practices, etc. day to day. I would call them Socially acceptable behaviour. Most of them are not new. It has been so as a tradition for ages. When they were created, I reckon there was good reason. Most of them would not be reasonable anymore. Some of them might be relevant even now, except we don't know that reason. It is very understandable that everyone (irrespective of gender, religion,caste, etc) usually are compliant, and don't think of questioning it, because they have seen their parents, aunts and uncles, basically everyone around them following the same norms. They have grown up seeing it, so it is imbibed.  If someone wages a lone battle, they will most certainly become the outcasts, the misfits, the black sheep of the family basically. Many such things lead to anything from simply silly/stupid behaviour to low esteem to things with can be outright injustice. So what can someone do in such times? Simply follow the norm or

I am not very sure what this note is about... Wrote it over a few days so all over the place. But here it is anyway... Many times in the past few months, I have often thought about what I keep writing about and so frequently. The frequent bit is quite straightforward for me to understand. I have stayed too long with no means to express anything and even now, since it's so frustrating to not speak, I just spew things unhindered on whatsapp. Even though I have usually been very sparse earlier. But what I write about are both varied and slightly deep by my usual standards. So how did it happen? The stroke did not affect my thought patterns (brain stem has nothing to do with thinking). If anything I have lost a few memories, nothing else. I have wondered several times what it is.... This is my theory: Space. Not physical space but Mind space. For almost 18 months, all I could do is think. After the initial turmoil, that's all I could do.  So the natural thing to conclude is that I

I was chatting this morning with my friend about the world of no mobiles and how its unthinkable now. It got me thinking a bit further on the topic... I guess every generation has seen this happen. I'm sure we've had some version of a conversation where someone has told us what all they could buy with 4 annas. And i suppose at some point we've told some device attached kid on how we didnt have any of it. Even TVs. So, it got me wondering, are the next generation better off or worse off? I guess everyone has adapted/ adjusted to the changing world and done ok. However, I can't help but think of the rate of change. When the steam engine or the light bulb was invented, it was a new world. But i guess it lasted a century so a few generations to get adjusted to it before the next big thing hit them. The amount of world impacting things that we have created in the last 20 odd years, mobiles, tablets, email communication, chats, online everything, streaming on demand anything,

We all fall asleep everyday. Naps, proper sleep etc. No matter how we sleep or dream or not. The body keeps time. When we wake up, we may not know the time, but we know we slept and approximately how long or short. However, when we are administered general anesthesia, we have no clue. I have been under several times and I can vouch for it. I have never made it past 95 (when I have been asked to count backwards from 100) and my eyes close, much like a blink and when the blink is done and i open my eyes, the procedure is done or I'm in some recovery room. It doesn't matter if it was for a minute, an hour or many hours I am sure, its just a blink. It's like the body and mind were incapable of having a sense of time. The chemical reactions of anesthesiology is known well. But we don't yet know how or why it works that way. There are theories and hypothesis, but no concrete knowledge. Just that it works. The body is still carrying on with vital tasks like heart beat, lungs b

A few days back, after nearly 2.5 years after my stroke, i was able to move my right leg a little (from the knee down, when my physiotherapist holds it supported in a particular way). Its a thing as it means the thigh muscles did the work. I am unable to trigger the movement when I want to move the leg (I still can't feel my leg and i can't move it). Instead, i have to imagine it moving and after 2-3 seconds, it moves. If I don't see it, I can't make out the movement. Most baseball players get less than 0.44 seconds to react to an average pitch and make a strike. The fastest pitcher is double that speed (half the time to react). The brain is capable of it . Sometimes its a fraction faster or slower for me. The same happens with my hand as well. Some days, it takes a few seconds to react/ move the first time and then i can continue. Its like a broken vehicle with starting trouble. When we normally want to move our hands or legs, we don't think how to do it. We just w

Today was the "Vaikunta Samaradhane" ceremony of my dad. It was performed at his home , which is in the same apartment building, a few floors below ours. So it was convenient for me to go and be there, some part of it if not fully. I am glad it was performed at his home and I could go. I can't help but share this small incident I observed...  When it came to the "Aarati" time, everyone had to offer a flower with some "Akshate" where they did the ceremony and prostrate. My daughter, who is 10, when her turn came, approached, and she couldn't reach fully, placed it using her left hand. Soon, suddenly, many folks told her not to and use her right hand. She was visibly taken aback by the sudden reaction and reached out, took back the offering and placed it back using her right hand. This met objection from many not to touch the photo. She looked a bit shaken, quickly prostrated and withdrew. She was even told later that my dad ("Taata") and G

 This is a long one and maybe a very confusing one too.. If you want to spare yourself the confusion, best not to go further...  These are just my thoughts not intended to contest anybody's beliefs. When I had my stroke, I had many experiences. I saw myself on the OT table undergoing the trachiostomy. It was not a 3 sec experience, i saw myself for what seemed like half a minute. I could very clearly see them make the incision near my throat and put the pipe in. I recognised Dr. Dheeraj the instant I saw him and even knew his name. He had made an appearance on several occasions to me in various contexts. There was a lady and guy who chisteled off my right wrist to take my watch. I was left screaming in pain to die bleeding. I saw myself undergo another operation where they used some sort of small grinding machine to completely shave off my tongue. They said it was very normal when it's obstructing breathing and the grows back. When my speech therapist later asked me to put out