Mind of my Stroked Brain

When I was in the hospital - over 3 years back, I was in a land of hallucinations - when I was in the ICU. One of the experiences I had many times was this: There would be aliens (green people) who would carry me somewhere. They would take me to a big black rock and tie me up tightly. I would not be able to move. It would seem like they were ready for some sort of sacrifice. But suddenly they would go away.  It didn't look like an altar , but they would take me each time to that black rock and tie me up. It would be very painful. Excruciatingly painful!  I remember wishing they finish the sacrifice but they would just go away. After a very long time, a shadow would move to a specific place (reminded me of McKenna's gold each time). After that happened, the green people would come back, untie me and take me away... No recollection of the experience after that till it happened again sometime... Few weeks back, I was back in the ICU. Enjoying the pleasures of familiar turf. After

When I sit on the wheelchair in the evening, I move my right leg a few times. The leg will be lying lifeless. I can't feel it or move it initially. I have to lift it a few times using my left leg and move it a few times. It sometimes responds and sometimes not. If it doesn't work, I have to leave it alone for sometime and try again later. At some point it stiffens when lifted. It still doesn't know how to loosen - so have to rely on gravity to bring it back down slowly. After that, very slowly, I am able to lift it a few times - relying on gravity each time to bring it back down. It's a amusing thing to experience and watch happening. However, that is what I can see. The real action and spectacle is happening in the brain actually. When I am unable to feel the leg, the neurons are not connected. The passive movements and the intention means it is causing the neurons to frantically be trying to find a path - running helter-skelter, through trial and error each time. Some

Many years back, I had read this book called "Man's search for meaning" by "Vicktor Franknel" He was a holocaust survivor and a psychologist if I remember right. It is about why few folks survived the extreme circumstances of the holocaust and most could not. It's a very good book - highlighting the need to find meaning - a sort of a purpose to struggle through everything. I have often tried to think of what is my purpose. How do I find meaning through all this - the hand that life has dealt. The truth is I am yet to find that answer. Sure there is a role I am playing - a husband, a father, a son, a brother, a friend to many, so on, and those roles I am trying to fulfill what I can. But I have found no bigger purpose or meaning. There probably is none, I am not sure. Everyday is the same - wake up, feeds, physio, feeds, exercise, feeds, sit on wheelchair, exercises, feeds, move back, bath, feeds, sleep.  It is peppered with bathroom breaks and cleaning as ne

This evening was very nice. We had a few very good friends come home and spend the evening with us. We spent a few years together overseas almost 1.5 - 2 decades ago. We would meet almost everyday and catch up often. It was good old times. Afterwards, we have been close and very much in touch with each other, but life has happened. Everyone is somewhere doing something. This evening was lovely to catch up as a group and talk about old times and recollecting stories. It was a very strange feeling. Since I can't speak and was not actively participating, it was like I was watching and reliving those days/ times. I was only reminded of the current times when one of the daughters interrupted. I was not wanting it to get over. Unfortunately it was 9pm and time to go into my room. It is the time that reality hits me and I am back to me bedridden self. I could have stayed longer. Nobody asked me to get in. I can physically sit for longer. But every activity (clean, bath, change, feed, nebu

I got my PEG tube replaced few days back.  Although the one that I finally got is the simple replacement tube, they didn't know till I agreed that I would agree. So, as a precaution, they got me ready for the other type which requires administration of anesthesia and they kept me on a empty stomach. Funnily all the nurses kept referring to it as NBO (nothing by oral). That's funny for someone who is on the PEG only because they can't have anything orally. Anyway, my last feed (reduced already because I had an upset stomach earlier) was at ~ 10:30pm. I am usually fed every 2 hours. The body is used to the regular flow of fuel to keep going. I generally feel hungry by that time in the morning. Even with very diminished feelings, I can sense the hunger. I was not fed before the procedure. They finally did the procedure by ~ 11:30am I think. After the procedure they can't feed for ~4-6 hrs. Post that it is only water (50ml) and very gradual ramp up to about 150ml and only c

I have been watching a bunch of videos about "save soil" recently. Sadguru is currently undertaking a 30,000 km bike ride across several countries over 100 days - to raise awareness of the issue and potentially influence the policy makers to act. I must confess, I initially skeptically watched it - there are so many "climate change" and "environmental issues" and protests etc, I am kind of jaded with them. Watching any one of the videos will make the issue abundantly clear. I have seen a bunch of them - uk, Vienna, chek republic, Geneva... There are a bunch more. It is the same message that is reinforced everywhere -but I am watching each of them not for the message but the line of conversation and audience questions reflect what is on top of the mind in that country/ geography. It's very interesting! Anyway, the ask is to spread the message for the 100 days (now 83 I think) so enough voice is available. So, do see one of the videos to familiarise your

Couple of days back, I (we) had been to my daughter's school. It was for a graduation ceremony that the school had organised. She (her class) was graduating from middle school (grade 8) to high school (grade 9). It was a enjoyable evening. There were the class children, the teachers, the parents, some siblings, few grandparents and a bunch of folks who were close to the children. A small group of people who mattered to the children basically. Before the function, the school had requested that a couple of parents speak on the occasion. I wanted to speak and say a few things. But I can't speak. I had the words, but no voice to convey them. I requested a dear friend and co-parent to be the voice for me. He kindly agreed. He not only delivered the words, but did a better job than I would have with the tone, expressions, body language et-al. I am very grateful to him for doing it for me. When I was a boy (maybe 3rd or 4th grade I think), I was enrolled into a debate competition in s