20240102 : Confused organs...

Couple of days back, there was a "Homa" at my mom's place. I might not be translating right, but a "Homa" is a traditional offering to various deities using fire as the medium for making the offering. Needless to say, it involves controlled fire but a lot of very uncontrolled smoke. Especially because of the offerings, it's very irritating to the eyes and lungs - usually a lot of burning in the eyes and coughing.

The intention was conveyed by my mom a few weeks ago since my sister's family was visiting all together after some time and it's an auspicious thing to do. I said ok and didn't give it much thought. Usually thoughts and intentions fizzle away for everyone when it comes to following through with actions.

But, she was following up actions and it looked like she will get it done.

Few days ago (maybe a week and ½), she asked me in case necessary, will I be ok to get involved in the same only when needed.

I usually don't involve myself into these matters and refuse flatly. The problem is not whether I can sit on the wheelchair long time (that I can manage), but the real problem is my incontinence. Usually most days 1 to 1½ hours is a guarantee to pass urine and not a good feeling to involve myself in homa/ Puja with a full diaper. Also, if very unlucky, some days if the diaper and underpad is not properly placed, the urine will overflow and flow down from the wheelchair. If very unlucky, the bowel will also give way... And I have been feeling very lucky for the past few years 🙂

I fought against my instinctive response and said ok. I am not sure why, but I said ok without knowing whether I'll bail out on the day anyway.

Couple of more days later, she asked me if I'll wear a "panche" or "dhoti" (It is a cloth draped across the waist covering the legs). Again an area I would refuse going to even before my stroke. But I fought the initial instinct and said ok. My logic was, once I sit down on the wheelchair, how does it matter what I am wearing, it's not like I am going to get up and go walking to bother about comfort or looks or whatever.

So, she got me a new "panche" which I did wear on the day.

However there was still a problem. A very big problem! The problem of the smoke. I am asthmatic and handle lung irritants very badly. Even before my stroke, such an environment (even slight) would trigger a very bad bronchial reaction needing inhalers and cortisone. My logic was very simple, I will not be able to handle it so once the reaction starts on the day, it will be a very convenient excuse for me to legitimately bail out and avoid the potential mess. 

Well, in any case, any such ventures - I start starving myself and dehydrating myself gradually from 24h prior so both the bladder and bowel is as empty as possible. It is a sort of insurance against incontinence to a certain extent .

On the "Homa" day, I was as much as possible empty and dry with a "panche" and "kurta" . So I rocked up on my wheelchair ready to hit the eject button at the first instance. 

I was waiting for the trigger. They lit the fire , we started putting the offerings, various things - firewood, ghee, eatables , rice etc etc. The fire rose, the smoke billowed, people started coughing, closing their eyes, wiping the tears from them, I was waiting..

Anticlimax!

Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing! No irritated eyes, no tears no irritated lungs, no cough nothing!

I coughed couple of times - but that's because I aspirated on my saliva. Nothing to do with the smoke.

I was looking around and watching the struggle everyone was going through. I felt invincible 🙂

The last time I had this kind of anticlimax feeling was during Covid. I got Covid twice. Nothing happened both times. I was quiet convinced I will not survive covid because of my condition and my weak lungs. But I was unscathed. 

Folks who suffered most during Covid did not suffer because of the virus but because of their own immune system going on an overdrive and eventually turning against them.

For me (my thesis is), the immune response is triggered to respond to an external trigger. The lungs (and many other vital organs and functions) are controlled by the brain stem (the most primitive part of the brain). That's what is corrupted and damaged by my stroke. So my thesis (no medical proof of course) is that, the lungs didn't even know they have to react to trigger the immune response. So, I was spared.

The recent "homa" experience is another (non-medically proven) proof that the lungs had absolutely no idea there was a problem and it had to react. Same with the eyes . I do cry many times and shed tears for various things. But I have not shed a tear from my left eye since my stroke. It has forgotten how to.

Emboldened by this realisation and proof all around, I stayed on full time during the homa. My brother in law helped me a lot to stay involved and I did.

After the homa, since I had squeezed myself dry, I was still dry. So, emboldened by this as well, I decided to take some pictures with the family standing (you see, I wanted the "panche" to be fully visible as well 😀 ). So I asked my very dear and dependable friend to prop me up against a wall and I stayed like a log resting on a wall 🙂.

The impromptu photo session went on for about 20min.

All in all, a great day. I had a great time with everyone.

It was also a reminder to me that I am maybe looking alright on the outside but still living with very confused organs and functions inside me....