20230409 : when circumstances get better

When I started working, the first time I can remember having surplus money was sometime in early 1999. Most of the time earlier I didn't have money or barely lasted till month end. In late 1998, I was sent to another country on work for a few months. Since it was not a long term posting, we were not getting salary there but a daily allowance (referred to as per diem). 

It was the first time I received money money in a stronger currency and better purchasing power and realised the potential of saving it. 

So, I did not live there mostly. Everything was converted to my home currency and my eyes would bulge. At the same time, if the same amount was saved, it was a big deal of money to bring back to my home country and live with it later.

Almost everything was seen through this lens and either not bought, not spent, not experienced. Everything including the food I allowed myself to eat, the condition of places we chose to live, the groceries I bought etc. Basically tightened the belt till the breathing didn't stop.

So, although it was a great place, I don't remember exactly experiencing it much. Basically I didn't live it . I was existing so I can live later .

This is just an example, there are many many instances in my life I never did live and experience, thinking I will do it later. Mostly when something else happens.

It's a sort of milestone based living approach. My mind has always been like - when I get there, I ll do it surely. 

It is not a bad thought surely, when that circumstance happens, it is a better circumstance for whatever it is I wanted to do.

Only problem is, by the time I get to that favourable circumstances, there are many more things that happen and circumstances change. It is a moving goalpost mostly.

Does that mean I have not done anything? Nope, I have done many things as well. It is an alternative reality of life that was lived not the other life experienced and lived.

Is it good or bad. I don't know. But I wish I had known more.

After my stroke, first few months (first 2-2½ years actually) was only thoughts of regret. Basically everything I could do earlier was over. It has only been thoughts of things I should have done, should have experienced when I was able to.

After that, basically since I was able to see some very little progress in rehab, the mind had relapsed to that thinking. There was nothing explicit in the mind as a milestone but there was an unstated non-explicit thinking of "when I get better, I should do this...". There was no definition for what should get better and by how much etc.

It is the equivalent of "when circumstances get better, I will live my life".

Logically when we think about it, circumstances will never get better, it doesn't mean I don't have hope of getting better, but what does circumstances get better mean? Circumstances will definitely change, everything will change, but will it ever get better? Age will not be the same, strength will not be the same, responsibilities will not be the same, risk appetite will not be the same. The circumstances of what I wanted might have gotten better but I am no longer the same person to experience and live it the same way.. 

I think for small things, we call postponement as procrastination.

For big things like living, we call postponement as circumstances getting better.

It took me till recently to realise it will never get better. I am not referring to my health and physical condition. It may get better or not. But life is now - in my current condition and circumstances. Circumstances will never get better than now to live and experience life.

Of course, that line of thinking doesn't give us a clean chit to do irresponsible things, imprudent things, risky things and dangerous things. Rationality doesn't go away. In fact, I think I think more rationally now. It is the same mind but with the luxury of more think time.

It helps be rational about circumstances now versus thinking rationally about better possibilities with better circumstances later.

It has definitely helped acceptance of my life and my condition and be happy overall... 

Better living with my life now versus possibly and probably of a better life later...