20230328: Those missing words...

Sometime in 2015 (I think late 2015), I started saying a chant. I don't know if it is a chant/ sloka/ mantra/ prayer etc., I refer to it as a chant going forward. I started saying it. Once everyday definitely and sometimes more than once a day if I felt like it. 

It was quite a long chant in Sanskrit with 185 stanzas if I remember correctly.

I have heard many famous musicians recite it in many different ways. I had not liked any of them.

There was one particular rendition I had liked a lot . It was very slow, very clear and he had a very good voice. That particular rendition took 42 minutes . At a regular pace and not loudly but a silent chant would take about 16-18 minutes for me.

When I learnt it, i think it took me something like 2½ months to finally remember it and recite it in one go. When I started with it, it seemed like an impossible task. I think what helped was engaging as many senses as I could to make the impressions on my mind. I used to read it, play the chant on my phone with earphones on and say it aloud. It might be a good way for learning something new - I think so .

I used to usually say it first thing in the morning or last thing in the night before sleeping.

Many times, I have said it aloud wearing my full helmet while riding my bike on long rides. I was very used to falling asleep while riding. Yes, I am not talking about falling asleep behind the wheel of a car but falling asleep behind handles. Luckily I had avoided crashing fully and I would wake up with a jerk after my micro-sleep. So, screaming aloud within the helmet having the visor closed - helped staying awake.

Why did I learn it? I don't know honestly. Many folks on my wife's side of the family would say it - in puja functions or auspicious events, etc. 

 Maybe I was just drawn to it, maybe I just liked the sound of it, maybe I felt left out (many used to join the chanting usually), maybe I was trying to make a point - that I could do it too , maybe I wanted to prove to myself that I am able to do it.

I don't know which one it is. Maybe it was a combination of those factors. I don't know.

After I learnt it, it became natural - the flow of it in my mind.

Many many times, I used to be doing something else, but I have caught my mind reciting it in the background of my thoughts. It was not a conscious thing, it would just flow automatically.

So from late 2015 till 5th Feb 2019, I had chanted it everyday definitely once and some days more than once.

It would be an extreme understatement to say I knew it well.

On the night of 5th feb 2019 (maybe about 2 hrs before my stroke), that would have been the last thing I would have done/ chanted before I slept.

When I woke up in the ICU after about 3 weeks in La La land, it took maybe couple of days to get to grips with my situation and realise that I was in a hospital and they were saying I had some stroke (which I didn't know what it meant either).

Anyway, after those couple of days, I was moved to the ward where folks could spend more time with me.

My wife knew about my affinity to the chant . I remember her playing it for me in the ward many times.

It was then the first time I realised that I didn't know it anymore. I remembered everything around its periphery - like the meaning of the chant fully, information like above - that it was 185 stanzas etc, etc. However I couldn't for the life of me, remember the actual words of the chant.

It's like recalling a sentence replete with adjectives and verbs but unable to recall the noun.

As I described above, it was not a poem I had learnt in school which I sang occassionally. I knew it very very well and I had chanted it atleast once everyday for at least the recent 3 years.

It was ridiculous to me that I was unable to remember it suddenly anymore.

When my wife used to play it for me in the hospital, i would faintly feel familiar with the words but there is no way I could recall them independently - let alone string the stanzas correctly (which again I knew that it was hard many times, but I couldn't remember the actual words).

This is not the only thing I have forgotten. There many events, instances, days that had been wiped out clean. You don't get the feeling of having forgotten something, it is like those days and instances didn't happen in my life. After all, what is life. Life is only what we recall in memory in our minds .if you can't recall it from your memory, its not your life.

For ex., couple of days before my stroke, we had gone to Hyderabad for a few days along with another couple. We drove up and down. We went to IKEA there. I drove myself many hours.

I don't remember any of it. Not one moment. I know all of it as a story which others have told me (and much later, when I saw all the photos and videos on my phone).

The chant was different however. Everything else is distinct. Distinct day or days. Distinct instances in time etc. The chant has nothing distinct. Over the 3 years, I had said it at every time possible, at various places, doing various things, etc. Nothing specific that I can associate with it. 

I have a theory - it's a theory, not a medically supported fact.

Based on what I am experiencing, I think our memories are retrieved in 2 stages. It is in a permanent memory (I don't know how it is stored). We can't access and understand this directly. It has to be accessed through multiple references related to the memory. Once accessed, the portion of the memory is brought to the active thinking part of the brain to interpret and understand/ make sense.

When this is done, the memory access path is kept active (kinda like keeping the vehicle running and warm - in case it has to access more from the same location/ day/ experience/ whatever).

When I had my stroke, the access path was still active to the area where the words were stored. It was kinda very special area devoid of any experiences/ days/ events/ etc. Everything else I have forgotten from my life are probably the exact things I thought about before I fell asleep on that night (don't ask me why. I probably thought about those things). Hence, all their access paths - all their vehicles were kept running and warm, ready to go again in case.

That was when the stroke happened. I don't know what all mechanics were involved in the hours after the stroke and the impact of not being able to provide blood (oxygen) to these areas, but those vehicles were completed destroyed.

Hence, I don't have the path or the vehicles needed to go back to those places to access those specific memories. What it means is that all those memories are still there in my head in its place. I just don't have the means to access them.

As I said earlier, it is a theory. A wild theory. But for me, it is a plausible theory which can explain to my mind what happened and why I am not able to recollect the chant that was so familiar to me for 3 years. Or the other completely unrelated days/ events/ experiences. Very hard to put the mind to rest otherwise. 

Thus, this is my explanation to my mind about what happened to those precious words that went missing all of a sudden from my life...

What happened afterwards?

So, for the past 2 years (basically after I have been able to handle my phone), I listen to the same chant daily. I play it when I go to sleep. I am not sure why I am doing it. I am not doing it with a sort of vengeance to prove a point that I will learn it again. 

As I mentioned earlier, I didn't remember the words, but everything else around it was known to me. That created a sort of familiarity with the actual words. It is probably comforting and eases the mind to relax and slip into sleep 😴. Yes, I am unable to stay awake till it finishes everyday. Most nights I would have fallen asleep inbetween somewhere.

I am able to recollect most of the words now - the initial part better (like abhimanyu from Mahabharata, who remembers only the first part of the chakravyuha). but it cant string the stanzas together without it playing. Left to me alone, I am not able to do it.

PS: For the technically inclined, it is much easier to understand if you think of how the main processors work in computers. They can't work with permanent memory storage (HDD/ SDD/ etc). Everything has to be first accessed through a FAT mechanism and brought to the RAM . This FAT mechanism (file allocation table) is extremely critical for this process to work. If parts of the FAT file is erased, the actual memory might still be there, but we won't be able to use it anymore. The system will mark those as corrupt and unusable....