20220515 : the benchmark issue

Just after my stroke, after I could think properly i.e., I used to be very easily irritated with everyone around.

It is understandable, generally speaking - my whole world had turned topsy turvy!

The irritation was quite indiscriminate - I don't think anyone was spared - nurses, therapists, family, friends, anyone who was doing anything for me basically. In a way, I am glad I could not express it in any way - it would have been ugly and sad otherwise.

It continued long after, even after we got home. I guess the main benefactors of the outcome of this was my wife and my nurses at home.

The nurses would change very frequently too. Everyone was equally treated by me.

Over time I have given it some thought, a lot of thought actually.

I have felt there were 2 primary reasons for my constant irritation.

One was the understandable bit - it was basically frustration with life the world and everything else - misdirected against everyone around.

The second, was a difficult one to understand and a dangerous one!

Basically, when everyone was doing something, I had an opinion in my mind as to how it must be done. In my past life, I would have conveyed it in some way and most likely guided folks that way. But now, since I couldn't do anything, I would get very frustrated and irritated.

After moving home, most of my interaction was with the nurses (rather them interacting with me).

Trivial things which do not matter in the real scheme of things would bother me.

As I thought about it, there was not just actions (how things were being done) but there are countless instances when I have thought - "it's a straightforward thing, use your head".

We used to use a character board so I could point to letters and everyone had to make sense of what I was conveying. It was a regular thing for me to think "its a simple word, use your brains".

I was not only upset and irritated with how things were being done but how folks though, their language ability, etc.

Even after I got to using the phone, I would get irritated if I sent some message and folks did not understand correctly.

I have thought about the expectation and obvious mismatch.

The benchmark was not someone else, it was me always. How I would have done something, how I would have thought, how I would have understood, etc.

Over time, very slowly and gradually - I guess forced by my inability to do anything else, I realised this happening in my mind.

I was not seeing what everyone was doing, what everyone brought to the table, but I was seeing what was missing and what everyone is not.

The realisation took some time, but after the realisation came, it was like a switch.

It enabled seeing everyone for what strength they bring. For what they are.

I realised being ignorant is not a crime. Not knowing how to do something is not a crime. Not being able to think of something is not a crime, but expecting it is the real crime

I realised everyone is doing the best they can with their abilities. Nobody is trying to be bad at anything. Bad is what I define.

I have very good and understanding nurses now. But I also wonder, were the earlier ones also similar and I didn't see it..

The thing with expectations - the targeted person may or may not get affected. May or may not feel anything. May or may not do things differently. But the one person that will surely get affected is me.

The problem has been me all along. The benchmark in my mind...