Mind of my Stroked Brain

I can be a very irritating fellow. I don't have to do anything extra. I just have to be myself. For example, I sympathise with the X-ray person. All of them. They bring the portable x-ray machine to my bed. He will elevate the bed, prop me up. He can't do this alone. He needs to ask someone to help drag me forward and place the x-ray plate behind my back. It takes time to get it right, Position it correctly. Remove the support pillows - so it is a clear view. Then the x-ray camera itself. It moves in all the 3 axes. Much like a dentists light. Adjust the distance, adjust the flaps to get the right area focus the beam right. Then he realises my head is drooping. Its blocking some of the area. "Sir, lift your head up". Of course I will start the irritation process. I can't lift it up and hold it. He will think he found the problem. The pillow under the head. He will remove it and help lift the head. The saliva that has pooled in my throat will tip into the wind pipe

Yesterday morning, one of my old physical rehab doctors - their head of the department actually, visited me in the morning. He did a cursory assessment lifting each limb, pressing the various muscles and hopefully understood what he can only understand. After all that, he told me that my PEG tube was looking very bad and I should get it replaced. I thought about it. It seemed like a genuine advice. The first time it was replaced after 14 months. Its already 16 months since, and it is looking bad. I thought about it. I am already in the hospital. Yes I am recovering from pneumonia, but I am doing nothing else. Besides, lungs are pulmonology department and stomach is gastro department. Shouldn't interfere much. So I sent a message to his assistant to go ahead. You can't change the pipe when the tank is full. So yesterday night was the last feed. I was kept on empty stomach after with IV fluids only. This morning they wheeled me down to the gastro procedure room. There are 4 of th

Normally at home, I mostly watch news channels. All of them are live streaming channels on YouTube. Every so often they boast how good they are, how they are top rated, or the fastest to break the news etc. Or sometimes some political cartoon, some pandemic message or somebody screaming how important it is to act now to save the planet. Thing is, these are the times they don't know what to do. Their real counterparts are showing advertisments and earning money. But they don't want to show the ads on streaming channels as it becomes free on another medium. The brand's don't want to pay for the online counterparts because well - there isn't enough viewership online. So I get to enjoy these "fillers". This room has a TV with a few of the same channels. The real deal! I feel like having seen a celebrity for real, having seen only on screens thus far.. Here I get the real deal. One lousy commercial after another. Repeated in succession . The illusion is broken.

Before they moved me to the ICU, they sent me through the doughnut.  Don't know if it was for MRI or CAT. I hate these. Not the doughnut bit. But the will make me lie on a flat slab, no pillow also. That is enough to start my cough dancing. They will be shouting from somewhere "don't move sir" "stay still sir" etc. By some miracle, if the coughing stops for a few seconds, "take a deep breath sir - and hold it" And I'll start coughing again. (I'll first try to laugh 😂) I honestly don't know what scan they can do while I am conscious. Just have to accept the report whatever it says. But there was one benefit this time. Somebody who has drowned for a few seconds and water has gone into the lungs gushes out when laid flat. Well i hadn't got water and not just then. It was un-digested feed from hours ago. I was shocked with its colour (a mix of brown and black) and the amount. It was very thick and gooey too. When I saw that, I was like

When I was in this hospital - needing them to supply feeds, it was 3 years ago. Had to take their service this time too. When they get the feed, they also give a bottle of water with it. They only need about 100ml each feed. Very soon, the bottles build up . At the rate of 3-4 everyday. There is a stand on which they are kept - neatly stacked next to each other - to better use space on the stand. In the room previously, it was meant to be a shared room for 2 patients. Naturally, it had 2 of those stands. One the nurses used for feeds and the other exclusively for storage of the bottles among other things. I used to ogle at the bottles. Whenever anyone came, the first thing they did was grab a bottle and glug it down (it was a hot summer). Not this room. It is a single room. Only 1 stand. The nurses need it next to me for the feeds. Its on my left side. The hand works. The bottles are neatly stacked next to me. Come to think of it, that's the closest I have come to a bottle of water

We arrived at the destination. I could see my wife, my friend, my cousin and my nurse. It was not home ground but familiar turf. Good to have familiar faces on the team batting with you. Getting to the emergency department - its like going into the jungle. Leeches instantly start sucking the blood, an insect pricking your fingers to see if you are sweet and tasty, the serpent on your arm, with its tight stranglehold, being ripped of your clothes, the pulling of the thorns - taking stock of your heart, etc Then being spread on the flat stone - to see how photogenic your lungs are, etc I am familiar with this adventure. They removed the tshirt i was wearing and instead of the gown coming on, they closed the screens and made the bed flat. Then off came the shorts i was wearing. I can't lie flat but I didn't care , it would take a few seconds anyway. Instead of feeling the fresh garment on me, i could hear the rip to remove the diaper. Now, I am in the flat position. I can't li

Some days back, in the afternoon, I felt a bit uneasy in my abdomen area. I can't feel much there, so couldn't make out if it was my stomach or intestine or liver or something else. Anyway, I wanted to be cautious so asked my nurses to reduce my feed volume. My wife also suggested I avoid the usual feed and have gangi (boile rice water) till i fell better. I normally sit out on the wheelchair at 4pm and sit till 8pm. Sometimes even 9pm. My bladder can hold a max of ~300ml. By 7pm, it is usual to have passed urine twice. Not that day, it was 7pm and not even once. I was also feeling very tired and couldn't sit longer. I thought if that much fluid (I had had full feeds till 2;30pm) had made it into my metabolic system surely the bladder world have given way. If the intestine had absorbed it, and the kidneys had not filtered, i would be bloating - especially at the ankles. That was not the case. I had also felt a bit gassy in the abdomen, but if it was stomach gas, it would h