Mind of my Stroked Brain

I have had many kinds of teats after my stroke. The ones I remember the most is referred to as the MEP test . I underwent it 4 times I think. Thrice when I was conscious and could know what was going on and once when I was in la la land still. That was initially when I was in the ICU and hadn't yet come back to reality. That particular time, I was convinced they were harvesting my organs as part of some racket. I wanted to get out of that place asap - I didnt yet know I was in a hospital. The last one I think was November end last year. I want to describe this test, mainly because it was always done in the ICU and unlikely anyone from family or friends would have seen it. The test was what it was. I have described it the way I experienced it. The MEP test - Motor Evoked Potential test. I think it is to check how much of the signals from the brain propagates to the limbs. I don't know how many places they do it. Anyway, it had to be done only in the ICU - I guess just in case t

3 years back, I was dethroned. It was an overnight coup of sorts. Now, I am plotting my way back. Long way to go, but someday I hope to get the throne back.. I feel like raja Bhoja trying to get king Vikramaditya's throne. Except there are no statues of Apsaras (damsels) coming to life and quizzing me. Life itself is coming and testing me daily. Every day is a different test with a teaching - could be hard work, could be patience, could be some wisdom, etc. I have neither seen the throne or the courtroom since. Almost forgotten how it looked. The yearning for the royal feeling, which I took for granted I must say, is very very deep. So tomorrow morning, when you sit on your throne, be grateful for the royal feeling... 

I was just thinking last night/ early morning today.. What if someone ran an organisation. Which looked like this: A professional services organization - which is run well - to international standards. Does generate earnings - but maximising profits is not the goal. Is not a listed business so has no typical investors, so no market pressures for quarterly profits etc. Then a 2nd part of the organisation - almost a co-ceo, whose only objective is to give away wealth. Initially start with giving away earnings generated by the other hand but approaches wealthy to offer to run their philanthropic interests. I am guessing one of the worries of very rich folks to give away wealth is - how to ensure the wealth actually reaches the needed place with well run place. The business side - since it doesn't have typical pressures, can give time to their employees to be part of or even run some of these initiatives - I am sure tons of folks would join such a place where they are rewarded with an

I like for things to be done in a way. Many reasons for it, but it bugs my mind If done otherwise... The first is just OCD. I have always had OCD. The stroke did nothing to change it. Not everything but something's I had to do a certain way. I don't get angry or agitated or upset if done otherwise. Just something doesn't fit well in my head. After the stroke, I could do nothing. Everything was done the way it was done... The earliest I can remember is when folks kept something, anything on the bed some way. It wouldn't even touch me, but the nut in my head would become loose. I don't know if I was able to show it, as I had very little movements then. Many many things done in the hospital wound me up. Over time, I have gotten used to not being able to do anything about it. It's a game in my mind now. I keep placing bets on how stuff gets done. I feel like I am at the casino each time. Ex. Everyday, after my bath, moisturing lotion is applied to me. In my head, th

My previous question on Kevin ruffled some feathers. Stirred the pot a bit. I got everything from "whether there is heaven or hell" to "it's the car driver who needs to go to hell". It's a bit unfair to pose this question if I was unprepared to be the "sorting hat" myself.. So here is what I think. Rather, what I feel... If I was manning the ticket counter and Kevin turned up. I would have to first consider the dog. #1. If the dog was conscious and expressed a desire to live (yes, it's a special dog and knows how to speak). Then, irrespective of how bad it's condition was or suffering was - it was murder as far as I am concerned. Definitely a ticket to Hell. To the very deep interiors of the land. #2. If the dog was awake and conscious and given his suffering and misery, tells him to kill him for his own good, in my opinion, it would still be unacceptable. It's basically assisting suicide. I would still give a ticket to Hell. Maybe a co

In the first episode of the first season of the series "House of Cards", a dog gets very badly run over by a car and is in a very bad shape. A few folks who come over run around to get some aid, to call for help, etc . Kevin Spacey - who plays the main character in the series, is left alone with the dog. Observing the suffering of the dog, unlike everyone else running around for help, shows "mercy" and relieves the dog of its mysery. Will he be sent to "heaven" or "hell"?

Every night, just before I sleep, I pray. That must sound unlike me, but yes. I do chant a small prayer exactly 32 times. For those who know it - its "रामस्कंदुम हनुमंतम ..." When I had the stroke, the spincter muscles at the base and top of the oesophagus I guess had no idea what to do, so I used to have a lot of regurgitation. After every feed, something would happen and the abdomen would squeeze 3-4 times. It would happen after every feed. The result - whatever was in the stomach (good amount of it I guess) would definitely come up to the throat. After coming up to the throat, it would inevitably go into the wind pipe. All joy for sometime after. When I had the trachiostomy, there was a tube to the wind pipe and they could suction it out . Vacuum clean the wind pipe. Once the trachiostomy was removed, I had to cough everything up. It used to be a horrible nightmare. I used to dread being fed everytime. That was my biggest fear/ worry to get the trachiostomy removed. I coul